November 12 - We out here!

 Today feels new. There is something about it that inspires hope. 

I’ve been out for the count for the past few days. I came down with something that left me light headed and dizzy and I couldn’t seem to move much without feeling like I was going to throw up everything in my body. It hit me hard on Monday and before you know it, I was sleeping for two days - it felt like straight. In the midst of the rest I felt like it has lasted far too long and I was also confronted with our own fragility. In other words life feels fleeting and while I feel like Tamu and I and the kids are thriving, I don’t know if its that things are moving so fast that it almost feels like life is passing me by.  Or if I am feeling that life isn’t fast enough - almost like the kids are growing up so fast and I am failing at keeping up but need to high tail and get my butt into gear.

Since i haven’t felt my normal strong self, I’ve had to change up some of my routine already. I’ve had to take time away from a career that has made me feel so much joy - fitness. I think ive been pushing myself so much to the point where i dont know if it is smart of me to have the same love for it that i used to have. 

But I also think that thru so much movement in life, I don’t know exactly what I feel. I’m unclear about all the emotions. I feel gratitude, love, fragility. I feel lost and yet found. On one hand I feel accomplished yet I feel like there is so much more to still do.

Tamu and I have created the most beautiful children I could ask for you. And they continue to inspire me to try to be better to show up stronger for them. And at the same time I want to be kinder, softer, more loving to everyone around me because it is who I am. I hope life hustle doesn’t harden me so much that I lose control of showing up how I want to show up.

I do know this:

- Every journal entry I want to start with a photo and share some beauty about the world - and what it reminds me of applying in my life

- I want to move in silence more and accept that not everyone will understand me and that is okay

- I want to be more gentle on myself and learn how to lean into that gentle side

- I want to seize the day more and live more in the moment knowing any day could be our last but not letting that fill me with fear but more so appreciation.

- I want to start a fresh and heal so that I can embrace this new part of the journey. 

- I felt like my mission has been to heal and im not quite sure ive accomplished that. But its a continual work and progress and for an opportunity to wake up each and everyday and try again I am grateful.